Warning:
This is a somewhat sappy post. Don’t read if you don’t want to hear my deeply personal thoughts.
One of the most difficult tasks on my Thirty by 30 list is number 11; “Learn to forgive and make amends.” When I began writing my list, I wanted to think of 30 things that I could leave behind in my 20’s and start fresh with in my 30’s. And for as long as I can remember, forgiveness is something I’ve stuggled with.
In my first 30 years, well. . .really just my first 20, I remember hurting some friends and family members causing us to drift a part. Now before you start leaving comments about what a terrible person I am, I wasn’t the mean girl. I didn’t physicalyl harm anyone or cause irreparable damage to someone’s reputation. It was more a problem with not being able to forgive. When I was disappointed or let down by someone’s actions, I’d become angry and disassociate with that person often causing friendships to be broken instantaneously.
In an effort to move into my 30’s and leave my past behind, I wanted to make amends and apologize for the way I’d ended my friendships. So, that’s what I did.
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After months of prayer, conversations with God (and my husband), I sat down a few weeks ago and wrote a letter. I’ll save all the personal details that I wrote, but I will tell you that I wasn’t expected a response, and I wasn’t looking for an apology or a “you’re forgiven” in return. Instead I simply wanted to say “I’m sorry.”
Since mailing the letter, I’ve felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I’d never known how much guilt I’d been carrying around. Now, again, don’t get me wrong! I didn’t write the letter to make myself feel better, but it does feel slightly uplifting to feel the burden I’d been carrying disappear.
Going forward in my 30’s, I want to do a better job of letting go of the past and only looking forward. I don’t want to harbor feelings of anger or regret, and I want to be a walking representation of Jesus’s kindness and love. Basically, it’s a new me!
Obviously, this will not come easy, and it’s something that won’t happen overnight, but it’s a goal I’ll continue to strive for!
~Mahatma Ghandi
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